Yep, I’m back…

• Nothing significant happened over the past few weeks. Mostly I’m just at work, running classes and all.
• I realized that I mostly think about unimportant things, like how much I hate the phrase yours truly.
• The weekends had been nice. Mostly I just hung out with the girlfriend, just staying at home and doing regular stuff like cooking and watching DVDs and stuff.
• Carly Smithson has been booted out of AI. And I don’t like it. I like Carly. I was kind of hoping she would end up in the Top 2, along with David Cook. The rest of the finalists bore me, especially that Castro guy.
• I was planning on quitting smoking, but running back-to-back classes stressed me out. So I have a new goal: to quit buying my own cigs. I know it sounds like I’m just going to ask people around for cigs, but at least I get to cut down. Instead of buying in packs or reams, I just buy enough to last me for one day. I think I can now manage just smoking 3-5 sticks, instead of the usual one-pack-a-day. And asking other people for smokes really makes me feel ashamed, so I don’t ask them for too much.
• I was able to find an original copy of the film Everything is Illuminated by Liev Schreiber. It’s that movie based on Jonathan Safran Foer’s novel of the same title, which is about this Jewish guy’s search for the woman who saved his gramps’ life from the Nazis. It was a good movie, a bit weird sometimes, but worth watching.
• I felt this need to update this. And I will. Soon.
• Something is wrong with WordPress. The HTML codes I’ve been used to using do not seem to work anymore. And I don’t know how to work around it.
• My interview for the TM post turned out okay, and I am hopeful. I wish something good would come out of it.
• I realized I cannot live without Oreos. The last time I did my groceries, I almost hoarded. These cookies relax me.
• The heat has been killing me. I think it has never been this hot during summertime. I have never sweated as much. And let’s not even talk about the fact that you lose calories if you sweat. I don’t think I can still afford to lose whatever calories I have left. I don’t even have too much of it.
• Rice is my world, and it doesn’t help that its cost is too unreasonable for comfort. I think the cheapest now is around 30-35 bucks. It’s crazy, it’s all over the news.
• What I really want right now is a sandwich. So I’ll go looking for one. Not that it matters, but there’s really nothing else I can write about.
• So I’ll go.

Three

 

 

I really don’t know what else to say. I could’ve closed in on the things that do not matter, like how I shouldn’t be here. After everything, you have been there, no questions asked. And after everything, I realized that you’re all I need to get by. And nothing else matters. Thank you for keeping me sane all this time. I love you.

 

 

 

Question

If one doesn’t want to be ignored, does he/she get the right to ignore another?

Of Blog Titles

Today, I have fully understood the meaning of my blog title.

News Today

• My lead didn’t accept my resignation. We talked earlier this morning and with what she said, I’d have to reconsider.
• The reconsideration might be a good thing. It just needs to push through.
• I had fun in class today. Actually, I’ve been having fun with them all week. Almost.

Decisions, Decisions

I haven’t slept last night, and I’m a bit grumpy. I’ve been thinking about things, and it’s funny how I can come up with decisions with conviction first, and rethink and rethink and rethink. I’m on replay mode. The past three months had been hard, and I can’t hide the frustration any longer.

I talked to my lead today. About my resignation, which I will file today to complete the 30-day notice policy. I’m planning to strike out by April 30th, with the option to extend until the end of June in consideration of my team’s bandwidth and the crazy training ramp. I will just save up for plane fare and shipping for the stuff I have here. I told her I will think hard about staying on until the last class assigned to me, but I told her I’m tired. Well, I am tired, not of the job, but of being in this godforsaken place. I don’t know how much more of Cebu I can take, to think that I went here so I can clear things up with myself.

I also told my boss that I will wait for the training post I’ve applied for in Manila, or if I can get a reassignment. I wish something good would come out of her promise to have me relocated, so I don’t really have to resign and look for a job somewhere else.

I haven’t drafted my resignation letter yet. I’ll do it after my shift. And I’m trying hard to convince myself that this is irrevocable. Right now, I want to imagine being home surrounded by my family, the only people who can understand me even if I don’t say a thing.

Last night, I’ve thought of the things that I would do once I get home. I’ll try to overwork myself, enrol in culinary school with my brother, and go back to writing. I’ll take my mom out on dates again, and just be with the family. I will be with my family again. That’s a nice thought right there.

 

I was okay until…

You have got to be kidding me.

Allow me this day to be corny.

… Since today is the hardest.

I have been thinking of killing myself the whole week. Monday. I wanted to be hit by a truck. Tuesday and Wednesday, I’ve planned on setting the apartment on fire and get trapped in it except that I cannot afford anybody else suffer like I do. Thursday came with me imagining throwing myself over a cliff, or from a building rooftop. Head first.

And today is the hardest because I wanted to a die a slow and painful death. I decided to live through things. And pretend everything is a-ok.

Sidebar: what really happens after you kill yourself?

I can’t take any more of this. Things are too crazy lately and I am about implode. Sleep. I haven’t gotten a lot of it. My body is tired. My mind is weak. And it doesn’t help that I am “required” to look fine and dandy in front of everybody else.

I agree with you, you who are reading this. I am the word disappointment. I just might be the dog shit you accidentally step on on your way to work. Or the missed meetings, the spaghetti-stained shirt, the empty wallet, broken bones. Or I am the wasted minutes, the same minutes you are now spending reading this and thinking I don’t deserve a space in the WWW.

But hey, spare me. Look at the title. I’m imploring. This is too bad a day, so please allow me to sulk (again).

Things, I want to say. I didn’t mean to not be the trusty right hand. I didn’t intend to start treating some things (and people) unjustly. I didn’t mean to not want to become the lives of other people for fear of disappointing them

Word of the day. Disappointment. I just can’t take this anymore. God, please make it stop.

After Shift

THINGS THAT BOTHER ME:

• I want to go home.
• I had dreams. The bad ones, of falling, or drowning, or bleeding to death. And it kept me mostly awake all week.
• I want to go home.

The apartment, it looked pained upon my entrance. And I half-tripped because of the TV wires made loose from overuse. I turned the TV on and put it on mute. Just to give space for some form of life, without the clutter of noise. To give space to life. Life now becomes trivial and taken for muted movements on celluloid.

I turned the TV off and lit my nth cig. I overanalyzed and missed the ashtray trying to tap away the used sweet and burned shreds of leaves and remembrances. Ash scattered all over the floor, the bed, my mind. Life becomes ash blown away by trying to forget.

And at that, I wanted to go home. And this, this is not my home.

(February 28th, 5:07pm)

Blah

My tita died last week. Cancer. Then, I heard from my mom that my cousin’s wife died today from I don’t know what. And this is one of those days when I so wish I was either of them. Sick, I know. But, this is one of those days, one of those when I can’t take anything more and I want to disappear or, yeah, die. I’ve been having these fits since I was a kid, and now I firmly believe that you die at the right time. I just wonder when mine might be.

I don’t know how much of this I can take. I know there will always be expectations, and I know I am bound to fail them mostly, but you know, sometimes I’m just so tired and I want nothing more than to rest and be alone with my thoughts. Or maybe that’s why I function better alone. I don’t think too much about expectations or other people or planning minutes, days, weeks, or months. I’m just wrong, but I’m dead tired today.

Cut me some slack. I haven’t had enough rest last week. Partly my fault, but the job demanded it. I tried, but I was really dog-tired and I’m stressed and losing weight again by the second. The zits are back and yesterday I looked at myself in the mirror and barely recognized myself because my eyes looked dead and hollow.

Priorities. I used to know what they are. I used to have all the time in the world for my family and the things that I really wanted to do. Hell, they are slowly starting to look hazy. Need to get back. Hafta get ‘em back.

This is one of those days when I want to run home like some geek bawling because people are just too harsh. Or lock myself up in my room like what that band vocalist did because he was just sick of the world. Since I am not a geek nor a band vocalist who can do whatever he wants, I just resort to sulking.

This is me sulking.

Oh, and one of my former trainees SMSd asking me if he can use me as a reference. He and some of his batchmates were not regularized so they have to go look for a job else where. I should be sad for them, but today, I thought they were really lucky to be out of the office I have been trying without luck to leave.

Again. I don’t know how much of this I can take. I need time and space to think. I even think I need like a year to collect my thoughts.